Understanding the Deeper Layers
Setting boundaries has become a popular topic in recent years, especially in the world of self-help and pop psychology. Many of us now recognize the importance of boundaries for protecting our mental health and maintaining healthy relationships. But while it may sound simple in theory, the reality of identifying, setting, and maintaining boundaries is much more nuanced and personal.
Brené Brown, a well-known researcher and author, describes boundaries as “what’s okay and what’s not okay” in our interactions with others. This practical definition provides a starting point—but it leaves room for deeper exploration. Boundaries are shaped not only by our individual values but also by our cultural backgrounds and social environments (Yoon, 2023; Nash, 2018). They are also influenced by our early relational experiences.
How Early Relationships Shape Our Sense of Self
In psychodynamic theory, our early relationships—particularly with caregivers—play a foundational role in how we learn to relate to others. These formative interactions create an internalized blueprint for what to expect in relationships: how needs are expressed, how emotions are received, and how we manage closeness and distance. These patterns often become unconscious guides for how we “show up” in adult relationships.
For example, someone who grew up feeling that their needs were dismissed or minimized may struggle to prioritize themselves or feel guilty when asserting a boundary. These early dynamics aren’t necessarily fixed for life since we can learn new ways of interacting with others. However, they can show up repeatedly, especially in moments of stress or vulnerability.
Boundaries‘ Many Faces
Setting healthy boundaries involves more than just being able to say no. It requires self-awareness and reflection—a deeper understanding of what feels right or wrong, what we value, and what we need (Nash, 2018). Sometimes this awareness comes as a clear conviction (if our values are disrespected), and other times it may emerge as a gut feeling of discomfort or tension.
Nash (2018) outlines seven types of boundaries:
- Emotional: How emotionally available you are to others
- Physical: Privacy, personal space, your body
- Material: Decisions related to financial resources
- Time: How you choose to spend your time and with whom
- Conversational: Topics you are comfortable discussing
- Internal: How you manage energy spent on self vs. others
- Mental: Freedom to hold individual thoughts, values, and opinions
Maintaining these boundaries helps prevent burnout and sets an example that it’s possible to stay connected with others while still saying no, and supporting your emotional and mental well-being. Brené Brown emphasizes that without boundaries, resentment can build, impeding our ability to feel compassion or empathy for others.
Communicating Boundaries with Clarity and Care
Both Yoon (2023) and Nash (2018) offer practical tools for communicating boundaries effectively:
- Say “yes” more selectively to protect your time and energy.
- Delay responding to a request if you’re unsure.
- State your limits clearly without overexplaining or apologizing.
- Share why a boundary matters to you to build mutual understanding.
At times, setting a boundary might feel emotionally charged—especially if it seems to conflict with values like loyalty, generosity, or cultural expectations. In these moments, it can help to step back and reflect: How can I honor my values while being realistic about my capacity to fulfill this request, etc.?
When Setting Boundaries Feels Complicated or Unsafe
It’s very important to acknowledge that boundary-setting is not always straightforward—or even safe. For individuals navigating trauma, systemic oppression, or precarious relationships (whether at home or at work), asserting boundaries can come with real risk. Working with trained, trauma-informed professionals may be required to prioritize safety.
This is where popular conversations about boundaries sometimes fall short. They may assume a level of freedom and safety that not everyone has. As Lily Scherlis (2023) points out, our ideas about boundaries are shaped not only by psychology but by social and political realities.
Final Reflections
Boundaries are about more than drawing a line; they are about understanding ourselves, our values, and our relationships. They reflect our ongoing negotiation between our desire for autonomy and the deep human need for connection. If you find boundary-setting difficult, you’re not alone. These are relational skills we learn over time, often through trial, reflection, and support. And sometimes, the most compassionate boundary we can set is the one we extend to ourselves: the space to grow at our own pace.
References:
Brighter Sex. (2020, September 12). Brene Brown – boundaries. YouTube. https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=TLOoa8UGqxA
Nash, J. (2018, January). How to Set Healthy Boundaries & Build Positive Relationships. Positive Psychology. May 24, 2025, https://positivepsychology.com/great-self-care-setting-healthy-boundaries/
Scherlis, L. (2023, July 14). Boundaries are suddenly everywhere. What does the squishy term actually mean? The Guardian. Retrieved May 24, 2025, from https://www.theguardian.com/lifeandstyle/2023/jul/14/what-are-relationship-boundaries-jonah-hill
Yoon, Y. (2023, December 4). Navigating Relationships: The Power of Healthy Boundaries. Psychology Today. May 24, 2025, https://www.psychologytoday.com/ca/blog/on-second-thought/202311/navigating-relationships-the-power-of-healthy-boundaries