It feels like a no-brainer: having self-compassion can only lead to good things, such as better mental health and an improved sense of self. Unfortunately, many of us instinctively turn to self-criticism to improve or cope with life’s challenges, mistakes and moments of self-doubt. Interestingly, taking time to cultivate self-compassion versus self-esteem may be a better investment of your time and effort in combating these negative ways of coping.
I recently came across an article that provided a great perspective about why self-compassion works, and why it’s a better alternative to focusing on self-esteem. Dr. Kristen Neff (2009), a leading expert in the field, notes that self-esteem may have some negative side effects like comparing ourselves with others, needing to feel superior in order to feel good about ourselves, which can also lead to more disconnection with others. While self-esteem has been linked to more happiness and life satisfaction, self-compassion offers us these same benefits without this downside (Neff, 2009).
What Is Self-Compassion?
Self-compassion is the practice of treating yourself with the same kindness, understanding, and care you would offer a close friend. Based on the teachings of Buddhist scholars, Dr. Neff (2009) outlined the three core components of self-compassion:
- Self-Kindness: Being gentle and understanding with yourself rather than harshly critical.
- Common Humanity: Recognizing that everyone makes mistakes and experiences difficulties; you’re not alone in your struggles.
- Mindfulness: Observing your thoughts and feelings without judgment or over-identification.
By freeing ourselves from self-judgement and criticism, we are able to comfort ourselves and also recognize our shared humanity – that we all make mistakes and experience failures. Extending this kindness and compassion to ourselves enables us to gift this same understanding to others. Finally, mindfulness (as explained in another blog), allows us to stay present with a non-judgmental stance, rather than retreating into rumination, or burying and ignoring our feelings.
Benefits of Self-Compassion
According to Dr. Neff (2009), self-compassion has been strongly linked to many positive things: psychological well-being, greater happiness, a sense of connectedness, more optimism, improved resilience, greater life satisfaction, and less depression, anxiety, rumination and fear of failure. She also addresses a common worry that being too compassionate may lead to self-indulgence, but it doesn’t appear to work that way (Neff, 2009). In fact, when we forgive ourselves and are concerned with our well-being, we are more open to admitting our mistakes and making the needed changes to improve ourselves and our lives (Neff, 2009).
Other benefits include:
- Improves Overall Wellbeing: People who practice self-compassion are more likely to adopt healthier behaviors, such as eating well, exercising, and seeking medical care when needed (The power of self-compassion 2024).
- Supports Those with Mental Illness: For individuals with mental health conditions like anxiety, depression, or post-traumatic stress disorder or PTSD, self-compassion can be a transformative practice, helping to reduce self-blame and shame, and creating a more supportive inner dialogue (Coelho & Smith, 2022).
- Promotes Healthy Coping Mechanisms: Research in the journal Frontiers in Psychology shows that self-compassion encourages adaptive coping strategies, such as problem-solving and seeking social support, rather than avoidance or self-punishment (Crego et al., 2022).
How to Practice Self-Compassion
Incorporating self-compassion into your daily life is simple but requires intention. Here
are some practical steps:
- Talk to Yourself Kindly: Replace self-critical thoughts with supportive and understanding ones. For example, instead of saying, “I always mess up,” try, “Everyone makes mistakes, and I’m learning.”
- Practice Mindful Awareness: Take a moment to observe your emotions and acknowledge your pain without judgment. Techniques like deep breathing or journaling can help.
- Reframe Failures: When you experience setbacks, remind yourself that struggle is part of being human. Reflect on how challenges help you grow.
- Engage in Self-Care: Prioritize activities that nurture your physical and mental health, such as getting enough rest, exercising, or spending time with loved ones.
- Use Guided Exercises: Explore self-compassion meditations or exercises, such as those offered by Dr. Kristin Neff or apps like my favourite one, Insight Timer. Dr. Neff’s are my personal favourite!
Final Reflections
Here’s a key take-away for me: Self-compassion isn’t about letting yourself off the hook or avoiding responsibility. Accepting our common humanity enables us to remain open to learning from life’s challenges. This mindset helps us build resilience, compassion for others, humility in seeking support from others, and taking better care of our overall well-being.
References:
Coelho, S., & Smith, J. (2022, September 7). Benefits of self-compassion: 7 benefits and how to practice. Psych Central. https://psychcentral.com/blog/practicing-self-compassion-when-you-have-a-mental-illness#what-is-self-compassion
Crego, A., Yela, J. R., Riesco-Matías, P., Gómez-Martínez, M.-Á., & Vicente-Arruebarrena, A. (2022). The benefits of self-compassion in mental health professionals: A systematic review of Empirical Research. Psychology Research and Behavior Management, Volume 15, 2599–2620. https://doi.org/10.2147/prbm.s359382
Harvard Health Publishing. (2024, January 16). The power of self-compassion. Harvard Health. https://www.health.harvard.edu/healthbeat/the-power-of-self-compassion
Neff, K. D. (2009). The role of self-compassion in development: A healthier way to relate to oneself. Human Development, 52(4), 211–214. https://doi.org/10.1159/000215071